Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up

Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.

TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff

You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.

Friend: You look different…younger…really great

Me: I had a little something done

Friend: *whispers* Face lift?

Me: Colonoscopy

what could possibly go wrong?

HER: NNNNNNNN

ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]

HER: ZZZZZZZZ

being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad

Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.

Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.

My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.

I said “Happy”

Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.

Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep

Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.

I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.

Jack: I want to be nimble

Genie: ok

Jack: and also quick

Genie: ok those are the same thin-

Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle

Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there

There are two kinds of people here

1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.

2. Liars

road rage

Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.

Guy: Hey-

Me: Not you.

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet

me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre

Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.

In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.

Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.

Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.

so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys

My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.

Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician

*Later*

My dad: so what do you do?

Him: I get paid to lie to people

i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years

I was once killed by a shark escalator.