Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.

[texting]

Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.

[creation of walrus]

god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard

angel: sorry, come again?

god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers

angel: dude what

god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula

angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse

[Getting phone call from the School]

Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.

M: Did he win?

T: That’s not really relevant.

M: It is to the winner.

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.

tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim

Tastes like chicken.

Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands

The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”

“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.

Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”

Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?

Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!

900 of you don’t read my shit.

Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.

Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?

My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals

In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned

Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.

HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!

I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.

I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.

[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.

*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*

I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.