Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
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[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
The struggle is real.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.