Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
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me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?