Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
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*puts my mental health in rice
water it, i dare you
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
45% of divorces stem from $ issues.
45% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
