Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
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Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
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me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
CRYING
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so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
This checks out
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I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
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Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go