Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
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The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
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OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.