Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
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If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Breaking news:
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.