Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
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KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
My five year plan is a meteorite
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun