Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
