Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
You Might Also Like
Yes, but it was never about money
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker