Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
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[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
We need more people like this.
My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.
He calls it “snackupuncture.”
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading