Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]

God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?

I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.

“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”

—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.

Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee

A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.

the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills

The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.

“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn

Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.

Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!

I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.

if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.

Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

“What attracted you to our company?”

Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work

My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.

I call bullshit.

Twitter fine art

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.

What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

Yamahahahahahahahahaha

If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.

I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.

I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.

Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.

My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week

ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)

*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky

Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry