Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
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Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Printer ink is expensive
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.