Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.

We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.

I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good

(life flashing before my eyes)

paramedics: why is he cringing?

We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄

You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?

I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.

7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”

Me: “Sleep.”

7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”

Exactly.

A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.

[Did you mean “digger”?]

god: here are the animals

man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes

*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*

*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!

Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.

I fixed it. For me

when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you

me: SHARK

lifeguard: omg where

me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name

*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*

me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE

Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]

My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.

I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.

I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.

Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.

Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…

*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…

Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

Your mother has terrible taste in children.