Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
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Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Child: Why are you on the computer if it’s your day off?
Me: What else am I going to do?
Child: I dunno. Old people stuff?
Me:
Child: Knit a sweater. Yell at cars. Forget why you walked into a room.
Me: Mom is going to come home to one less kid.
Wedding planning is organized crime.