Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
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“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.