[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
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I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Biden: We need theme music when we walk into a room
Obama: Joe be professional
Biden: STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON, CRAZY MOTHER-