@SamuelHLowe

Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

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@Fred_Delicious

*cop bursts into bathroom*
“KID DON’T FLUSH THOSE DRUGS!”
*toilet is wearing shades*
“damn. we’re too late”
*toilet rides off on motorcycle*

@Freudianscript

*Maybe try dressing up as SpongeBob this Halloween, since you’re so self absorbed.*

-Me as a therapist

@dumbbeezie

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating

@man_in_radiator

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.

@jwoodham

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.

@CAshmanActor

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

@SmartassChef

If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?

@SaltyCorpse

My mom just text me she made hash browns out of cauliflower.

How do we dissolve her parental rights?

@wickedsuga

Stop being so hard on yourself. You don’t have to be a complete idiot. Just be the best idiot you can be.

@mommajessiec

*sees locks of hair on floor*

*looks at daughter*

*looks at American Girl doll*

“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”