Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

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*cop bursts into bathroom*
*toilet is wearing shades*
“damn. we’re too late”
*toilet rides off on motorcycle*


*Maybe try dressing up as SpongeBob this Halloween, since you’re so self absorbed.*

-Me as a therapist


If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating


I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.


Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.


Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*


If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?


My mom just text me she made hash browns out of cauliflower.

How do we dissolve her parental rights?


Stop being so hard on yourself. You don’t have to be a complete idiot. Just be the best idiot you can be.


*sees locks of hair on floor*

*looks at daughter*

*looks at American Girl doll*

“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”