Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
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Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn