Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
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Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
