Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
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Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”