Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.

Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.

If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that

rebranding

People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work

Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.

My 2 year old woke up.

5 minutes of “Mommy!”

5 minutes of “Mommy?”

Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.

[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders

BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….

I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.

Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.

me: hey, you wanna get outta here?

museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue

Her: My God…yours is huge!

Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.

*slow wink*

Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.

I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.

I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.

I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.

Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.