Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication

him: I got a new tattoo

me: what is it

him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work

me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt

him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat

and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad

learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.

Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?

EGYPTIAN KING: cats

Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat

date: I come from a broken home

bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

my gf left me cuz I’m insecure

nvm she’s back she went pee

Well well well…

Me: You’re so selfish!

Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.

Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..

With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013

*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*

5: Can we play music in our room?

Me: Sure!

5: Any music?

Me: Whatever you want!

5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!

Me: Nooooooooooooo

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.

I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

Doctor: are u high?

Me: no, why?

D: bc ur dressed like Batman

M: well maybe Batman dresses like me

D:…

M: alright yea im a lil high

Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.

her: we’re engaged, Dad!

her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first

me: you’re not really my type

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE

Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me

I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it

You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?

Just me?

Me: *drowning*

My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!