Just how popey was the pope today?
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I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
It will always be this
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)
“what that mouth do?” complain
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..