Just how popey was the pope today?
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Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
on da cob, we all corn
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus