Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.

Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.

Policeman: Get in the damn line up.

Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.

2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist

[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog

Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.

ALIEN: Take me to your leader

ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.

I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.

Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.

I need to become a boxer. I mean, I hate fighting but love wearing shorts with superfluous fringe

God: so you shoot them with the arrows

Cupid: yes

God: and then they fall in love

Cupid: right

God: with other compatible people

Cupid: uh well-

God: who will love them back

Cupid:

God:

Cupid: sure

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work

phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?

me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box

jesus christ confetti not now

[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?

Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

Robocop’s guns malfunction.

Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.

Robocop loses his home.

Hobocop.

[first date]

me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs

her: to meet your princess?

me: er yeah, whatever you say…

Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”

[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”

“We’re still looking for a side project”

Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses

“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”

peep davidson

We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation