me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
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Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.