Just how popey was the pope today?
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Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
*puts my mental health in rice
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
husband: *worrying*
me: I don’t think you should worry about that
husband: well what should I worry about instead then
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.