Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.

-me, to my cheese and crackers.

Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.

Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.

A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.

“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”

Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?

My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.

It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.

Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here

Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.

Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.

“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.

“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”

Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?

Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?

I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”

Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good

I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.

*gf making spaghetti*

Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?

Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!

Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..

Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…

You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators

Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.

“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives

I just love that new Pope smell.

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.

It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.