Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”

I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.

if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

Lmaoo 😂

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

I’m as full as a tick on a tampon

Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand

Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.

[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing

Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.

To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”

Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password

You’re welcome

Brains are sexy

Wish everyone had one

Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.

I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.

Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”

People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.

Dogs: WTF is “colors”?

ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke

CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s

ME:

CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here

hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪

Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM

I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding

I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!

#labordayweekend

[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]

Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?