Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
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🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
One of these days, the Roomba mothership will send out a signal and none of us will have toes.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”
They were going to a funeral.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years