Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
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“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Why do they have to make things childproof when I鈥檓 still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
I love October. When else do say things like I鈥檒l take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Me: I should eat fewer carbs this year
The Universe: Your house is made of gingerbread now.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn鈥檛 work like that
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.馃寧鉂わ笍馃Ъ馃寧
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Yeah I like bananas. When they鈥檙e almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I鈥檓 Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I鈥檓 Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.