Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
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I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
how to market bottled water to dads
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.