Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
You Might Also Like
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
When a shoelace touches your ankle
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
#Caturday
