Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?

I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.

That earthquake could have been an email.

[At the funfair]

*Fire alarm sounds*

Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.

I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.

disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project

boss: what about blood

disguised vampire: huh?

boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right

disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean

me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-

boss: *leans in and whispers*

me: essential. they say i’m essential.

If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.

4: I’m hungry.

Me: Want some eggs?

4: No.

Me: Yogurt?

4: No.

Me: Frosted Flakes?

4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??

Me: Would you like some?

4: No.

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant

I can’t get the cork off my dinner.

Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.

WAITER: how would you like your eggs

ME: nogged

If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.

I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks

whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time

Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.

Thanks. It’s my face. lol

dating is so overrated. let’s just get married

[husband and wife decide to try swinging]

Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you

Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.

No wonder we all hate him.

You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.

Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*

Guy: *stunned silence*

-Single Mama on a date

If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally

My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.

When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago

Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.

5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.