Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
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The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Hello, my name is Pierre.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO