just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
You Might Also Like
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better