just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
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Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Who does Amazon think I am?
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.