Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.

Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?

Me: yeah, kind of like-

*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*

Son: like that?

Me: exactly like that

Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.

When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.

This is why I have trust issues.

Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.

i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis

We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10

“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”

Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out

I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED

Mario: can I buy you a drink?

Peach: ew get a life

Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?

My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.

Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.

Them:

Me: damn I picked a good spot.

Secure web server:

> Email/password please.

Insecure web server:

> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?

CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.

me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?

CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.

Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?

Rhino: What’s in it for me?

Bird: I’ll warn you of danger

Rhino: I don’t have predators

Bird:

Rhino:

Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening

The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.

Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.

Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?

Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.

Her: I meant good times with us.

Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.

After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.

It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway

-inventor of the Biscotti

Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.

Me: You’re welcome.

While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.

[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.

Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*

Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.

Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.