Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.

*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?

Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?

Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week

Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday

Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?

me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!

JW: excuse me?

me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241

Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.

Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars

Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.

Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.

Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.

Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.

She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.

Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out

Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime

HER: what’s your sign?

ME: i’m an asparagus

HER: you mean aquarius

ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun

When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.

ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me

unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]

I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.

My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.

If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.

“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.