Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles

God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher

My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.

Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”

white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken

How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?

Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.

Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”

if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks

My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.

Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.

“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,

WE HATE YOU!

Sincerely,

Everyone born in December.

If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.

girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.

If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.

So Hamburger help me, God

At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.

Windchimes

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.

My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead

GOOD COP: cover me!

DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug

HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks

ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely

I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.

Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.