Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻‍♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻

My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.

being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”

“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out

me: righty tighty lefty loosey

frankenstein: stop

said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it

“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!

Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?

Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces

95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon

Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•

to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors

People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.

Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!

*Gets on Twitter*

*Looks up as ship is sailing off*

I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.

how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.

I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.

My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way

“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous

Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.