Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy

Me: oh no!

Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels

Me: OH NO!

Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk

I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.

coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween

me: ur mom

coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–

me: matthew u never call

Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.

Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another

Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear

Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree

Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.

just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude

If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice

A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh

Me: Please finish your drink

4: Don’t say it like that!

Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you

4: Okay

Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.

why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down

Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.

I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.

tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism

Never share a secret with a clock.

Because Time will tell.

righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.

– factory defect men’s underwear

sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too

[on date]

HER: What are you doing on your phone?

ME: An update

HER: What update?

ME: Not much, what up with you?

I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.

One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.

Not to brag, but I just walked upstairs and remembered why

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.

Fight fire with water. Idiots.