Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
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My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.