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How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.
We really need someone to step up while the boss is away
*stands up*
Someone without ice cream on their shirt
*looks down at shirt*
*sits down*
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Natural selection at its finest
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.