Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.

Cop: Sir…

I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-

Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING

I threw the ball too far during fetch

Cop: Fair enough

As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.

sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own

Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great

My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.

The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose

Feel. He’s so soft.

ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.

Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.

[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.

[restaurant]

Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when

Me: huh? why

Waiter: when means stop

Me: oh

Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other

Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism

I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.

*Farmer walks into job application

Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.

Employer: BOOM! Tech support!

I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.

The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”

found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8

How’s it going?

“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”

You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.

Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.

My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.

“Have kids,” they said.

Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing

Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.