Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?

my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.

My wife makes us recycle everything.

*empties condom into sink*

I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.

Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out

Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*

Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*

Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition

why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas

The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?

Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!

My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”

Me: “Sure I don’t.”

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.

How to lose a drone in 10 minutes

-a memoir by my husband and 7yo

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

[At Justice League headquarters]

Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?

Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]

The Flash: [runs to the ATM]

Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]

Batman: WTF dude

can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.

She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.

I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…

OMG, I ATE THE TOY!

me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars

Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”

Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…

I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.

The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.

When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.