Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
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My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels