Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
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Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”