Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love art.

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.

Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.

When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits

them: ugh, could you be more annoying

me: oh god, yes

Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.

* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping

a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs

Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail

I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation

Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.

the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first

“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.

The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.

Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.

Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.

Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?

They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…

*walks up to guy in minivan*

“Sup?”

Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.

Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.

I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.

I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.

Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?

*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead

We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.

teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.