Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer

5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

Them: The children are our future.

The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]

If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.

if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast

Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?

“Charlie, I want a divorce.”

[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?

I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:

– candy 🍬🍭🍫

– parties🍕🎉🍻

– costumes👯👺👽

– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹

– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲

Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie

British meanings of “you look well”

1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…

The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.

for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.

MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze

I think I’ll stand

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.

they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote

[first date]

HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?

ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when

Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.

Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.

Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement

*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay

Me: 3 miles today.

Him: On the treadmill?

Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.