Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose

Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.

😆

What’s the point buying it then?

me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*

Now colored!

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.

You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.

dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music

I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.

DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.

[someone breaks into the house]

Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings

My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY

Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.

My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.

Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME

Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet

DAMMIT!

People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.

scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year

Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.

I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.

Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.

Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”

GOD: u wanna go back to earth?

JESUS: why

GOD: to absolve man of sin

JESUS: ehh

GOD: you’d get two birthdays

JESUS: let me get my coat

Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now

Renewed my membership this morning

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.

Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?

I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality

I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely

My son – not this again

Cop –

We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.

god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now

Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.

Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.

Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.

remains to be seen, not heard

– undertakers