Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
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I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid