Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Dinner Party]

ME: I’d like to raise a glass…

{years later…}

ME: Son, you’re adopted

GLASS: WHAT?!!

Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.

geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them

tree: morning

me: oh hey

tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro

me: [exhales on tree]

tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff

Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM

Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever

HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!

HIM:

HER:

HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.

Her: My God…yours is huge!

Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.

*slow wink*

They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”

[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]

INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.

ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.

INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.

Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.

Friend: oh my god there’s two of you

My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear

Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right

Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf

All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.

Saint West, the patron of selfies

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim

I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”

it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw

Nobody ever told me that this was an option.

I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*

Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?

Me: No, why do you ask?

The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?

Autocorrect completely socks

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?

Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.

my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry

*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*

M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?

Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.

Me, 1
Kids, 0