Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*

can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us

Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.

doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?

me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas

[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol

The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?

“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”

“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”

“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force

I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.

A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things

Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?

Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.

Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR

My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”

I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.

One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.

ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this

People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.

Me: That tree is impeckable

“Don’t you mean impeccable?”

*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*

Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?

A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.

ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a