Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.

“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.

[opens car door for wife]

WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway

Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes

Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.

I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!

[fire raging in my bedroom]

smoke alarm:

[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]

smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE

Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.

Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.

Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction

i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

banana peels are my favorite fall accessories

Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.

Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore

Psychiatrist: You seem much better!

Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.

Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets

I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire

I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”

Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*

So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.

Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.