Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
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I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.