Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors

I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.

It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.

what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look

*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*

Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.

Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”

GUY: my new boss is gay

ME: my new bed sheets are warm

GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?

ME: exactly

Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part

Owen Wilson: wow

Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”

Owen Wilson: wow

its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.

Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.

Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.

Uh oh…

Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call

*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.

Dogs should be allowed to drive.

Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?

Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*

My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!

Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…

If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?

Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language

Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*

INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”

drunk god: land clouds

angel: those are sheep

$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!