as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
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I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day