just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
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popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Straight people are cancelled
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.