Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

grandma: more potatoes?

me: sure

*3 hours later*

grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?

me: *locking eyes* sure

normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking

*watching husband sleep*

Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”

*husband snores*

Me: “I can’t live like this.”

[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]

neighbor: hey there

me: greetums

I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?

Friend:

Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.

*first day as a coach*

Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!

Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before

*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*

*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*

Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!

I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.

I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details

Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?

Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.

Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?

If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza

You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12

Well this pretty much sums up 2020.

*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it

Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.

if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.