Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?

Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.

I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.

It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!

Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?

-me, as a therapist

Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.

[Shopping for Deodorant]

I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.

God: I shall call this a tiger

Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever

do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!

[Outside ER]

Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”

Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”

I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.

Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team

[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.

When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.

Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.

– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery

going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people

Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me

My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.

[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…

If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.

Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby

Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?

Gatsby: … Yup

I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”

Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?