Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1st base: sex

2nd base: not wearing makeup

3rd base: calling each other

home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas

Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight

Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.

5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”

Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind

Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?

Husband: Quick. What’s this song?

Me: Awful.

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.

She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No… it has two cameras.

I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.

6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*

Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!

My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.

I almost dropped my Walkman.

Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.

Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.

cop: you’re so busted

me: thanks. I just had them done

Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN

*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.

How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling

It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors

So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad

PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.

When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy

My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔

My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready

FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.

Chicago sounds lovely.