Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
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Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.