Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
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It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
british sex workers really pound for pound
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?