Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
You Might Also Like
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese
I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
called in thicc to work this morning
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”