Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
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Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.