Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
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SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
*puts words between two asterisks*
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line