Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
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Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Straight people are cancelled
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People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
The first one, obviously
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Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..