Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
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Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?